No Friend to Turn to

Chicago Tribune -

Maybe you and your friends have stopped talking politics.
Then again, maybe you've stopped talking altogether.
"Loneliness," a new book by University of Chicago psychology professor John T. Cacioppo and science writer William Patrick, sounds a wake-up call for those of us walking around in a state of isolation - and we are plenty. Roughly 60 million Americans, according to the book, feel lonely to the point of unhappiness at any given moment.
That's about 20 percent of us.
Part of our problem, according to Cacioppo's book, is an alarming trend in American communities: We've stopped confiding in each other.
In 1985, the General Social Survey talked to nearly 1,500 adults about their network of confidants. In 2004, sociologists repeated the same survey and found Americans had onethird fewer confidants - defined as people with whom you "discuss important matters." A quarter of the respondents in 2004 said they had no one with whom they talk openly and intimately.
What about you? Are you swimming in confidants, or treading water on your own? We came up with a little quiz to help you decide.
If your answers leave you feeling a little lonely, it may be time to take action. Cacioppo and Patrick report that "social isolation has an impact on health comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of exercise, obesity or smoking."
"Loneliness is not only a sad event, it's a threatening event," Cacioppo said in a recent phone interview.
"Loneliness is a pain signal calling attention to an important need. It's the same as hunger, thirst and pain."
And although he stresses that the quality of your relationships is far more important than the quantity, ("A few close friends and confidants make a big difference"), it helps to branch out beyond your immediate family.
Answer these questions:
- Do you regularly discuss your health, job, current events or other "important matters" with someone outside your family?
- Who could you call on to pick up your child(ren) from school or day care?
- Do you belong to a community organization?
- How many of your neighbors do you know?
- Do you play on a sports team?
- Do you have a regular hangout (coffee shop, diner, bookstore)?
- How many of your online friends do you socialize with face-to-face?
- Who feeds your pet/collects your mail/waters your plants when you leave town?
- Who would you call if your car broke down?
- What are you doing next Saturday?
If you continually answered "my spouse" to the "who would you turn to"-type questions, consider this: "Ties outside the family are the most likely to connect respondents to people from different parts of society," according to the most recent issue of Contexts, a magazine published by the American Sociological Association.
"Family members tend to be similar in class, religion and race. Therefore, if the majority of a person's connections are through family, their social world is limited."
This may not seem like such a bad thing, but the Contexts report (which centered on the same confidant study mentioned in "Loneliness") makes this point: "The tangible, material help we get from others leads to longer, healthier lives."
"People stranded on rooftops after Hurricane Katrina perhaps didn't know anyone with a car and didn't have a close friend they could stay with for a few days," it says.
So it behooves us to make some time for relationships.
"We are fundamentally a social species," notes Cacioppo, who says he was surprised to learn how profoundly we are affected by our connectedness.
"It affects our ability to think, to self-regulate, our sense of self-worth. Exactly how central our social existence is to us as human beings, that was a surprise. That changed how I started to think about human nature."
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GET THE BALL ROLLING
BetterTogether.org, an initiative by Harvard University to rebuild civic trust among Americans and their communities, offers "150 Things You Can Do to Build Social Capital." In other words, make some friends. From the list:
- Surprise a new neighbor by making a favorite dinner - and include the recipe.
- Organize or participate in a sports league.
- Audition for community theater or volunteer to usher.
- Volunteer in your child's classroom or chaperone a field trip.
- Participate in a political campaign.
- Help coach Little League or other youth sports - even if you don't have a kid playing.
- Start a lunch gathering or discussion group with co-workers.
- Start or join a carpool.
- Plant tree seedlings along your street with neighbors and rotate care for them.
- See if your neighbor needs anything when you run to the store.